4 years ago: 1 month away from actually getting pregnant for the first time

3 years ago: 8 months post-miscarriage; wallowing in the misery of not having our baby with us

2 years ago: HSG-check, Lap-check. IUI #1 with Clomid-check

1 year ago: RPL screen done twice-check, another HSG-check, 3 more miscarriages-check. IUI #8 with Repronex-would be successful yet ultimately result in miscarriage #5

and now?

February 2005: I 600A sent in-check; homestudy documents going to the social worker on Friday

so hopeful that in February 2006 Baby K will be home with us.

I’m grieving today. A woman on the board I frequent, who struggled with many IUIs and 2 IVFs, found out that her baby died in utero. She was a week or so past her due date, and should be bringing her daughter home, rather than delivering a stillborn baby. We weren’t in any groups together, but I’d ’see’ her around the boards and she was always helpful and supportive to other members. This raises the big old ugly WHY that seems to hover around us Infertiles; why would this happen after all she’d been through to have this child? Why, when she would be a loving parent? Why, why, WHY?

And the fact that I got an email from a friend announcing that they’re expecting in January didn’t help my mood at all. at least she took my advice not to wait till she was in her thirties…

this weekend we briefly entertained thoughts that I had somehow become an Urban Legend-you know, Infertile Woman Who Gets Pregnant After Deciding On Adoption since my usual 28-30 day cycle stretched to 40 days.

okay, stop laughing.

‘Twas not to be, even though P told me about a friend of ours who “personally knows 2 people it happened to” and we could have been the third!

whatever. I’m okay with it, actually. my period didn’t really interfere with our long weekend at the beach, so the lateness was actually a good thing.

Is anyone else annoyed by Serena Williams outfits at the US Open? She totally rocks, but looks so silly this tournament. I prefer the regular tennis dress for the ladies, call me old-fashioned.

Karen’s post at The Naked Ovary got me thinking, because it is similar to what I have been feeling lately. the start of September marks the 4th year of trying to have a baby. 4 years later, we have nothing but a crapload of shattered dreams, anger, cooled friendships and a boatload of pain. oh yea, and leftover Follistim in my fridge. how do I give up the dream of carrying my own child? 5 miscarriages have let us know emphatically that it ain’t gonna happen, no matter how much I relax, try not to worry, etc etc etc and all the platitudes spoken by those who don’t get it.

how do we give up that dream? we’re so very tentatively moving towards adopting, because if nothing else, the last 4 years have shown us that we do want to be parents (and will be damn good ones too) . the pain comes from the realization that it won’t be in the way we expected, the way most people get to do it.

it’s just too damn hard sometimes, and too damn unfair.

we’re in the incredibly boring part of a cycle-first week after the big O…not much going on except for Paul shoving pineapple at me every day. STOP!

did start progesterone suppositories aka the magic bullets, let the moodiness begin!

wake me up in two weeks

all done. just the long wait till the beta on 5/30. 3 follies, not so bad after all, I guess, we’ve gotten pg with 2 before. hell, I guess the very first time we got pg with just 1-and as ‘they’ say, ‘that’s all it takes’

Jenn came out to the house for an acu treatment-she put 4 needles in my ear and man, one of them sent a charge through my whole body-it was wild!

had an acupuncture treatment tonight, both of us got to be in the room together. P’s a trooper for doing this with me. gonna have one tomorow afternoon sometime after the IUI as well. maybe this will be the thing that makes it work this time. if nothing else, I feel more at peace that this whole entire situation is out of my hands now, I’ve done all I can.

ask me if I still feel like that in 2 weeks though.

triggered last night at 11 pm, we’re all set for IUI tomorrow at 11 am, P does his thing at 9 am. yesterday’s u/s showed a follie popped up on the right side which is good, and 3 on the left. at this point we are hopeful it will work-it should, I got pregnant the other 3 times we did injectibles, but the issue is more about staying pregnant. that’s not so easy to do, sadly.

yesterday’s bloodwork: estradiol 276, day 4 stims
today’s bloodwork: estradiol 350, day 5 stims. ultrasound showed 2, maybe 3 follies on the left side, a bunch of too small ones on the right. not exactly what we were hoping for. *ahem* the words “poor responder” came up in conversation. great-I can add that to my title of “habitual aborter” as well.

most likely converting to an IUI. disappointing.